pause for thought – one mistake begets another. A treatise
on compulsive lying: how one wears long sleeves even in
summer, how one nods along to the rhythmic ritual of “yes,
I am fine.” No. Break the glass – this is not just an emergency
this is real life. Real in the sense that there are no take-backs. No
individual feedback sessions where God sits you down and tells you
“Valen, you’ve done well; just well enough.” Not where he says
“everything will be fine, but you must suffer now, or it will all be for
naught.” And I know this now. Yes, I want to be better. Yes, I know:
everything that will be, will be. That time with the rusty penknife
gets played over and over in my head like a film reel, static
and emotionless feedback looping on a blank TV stuck on CH8.
Treatise Two: I know – I must be better. I am better. I am no longer who
I was that day. I want to sit down next to naked me of yesteryear and say
“Valen, you’ve done well enough. But you must do better.” I know now –
everyone suffers, but not everyone has to die. And certainly, not me, not yet.
where was the world promised?
where was that guiding hand
to lead me astray? the child
I was years ago seems a
stalker; he watches me
and I watch him back.
I cannot and don’t let go.
We are beside ourselves.
I am a boy and not a boy.
I am that bamboo fountain
in the garden, endlessly
filling itself up with itself.
I am a conflict.
I am the spider, who
for fear of a thread undone,
gingerly treads on its own feet.
I am the paradoxical predator, a
wretched anomaly, feeling’s mess.
when the curtain comes falling
you already know what I’d do:
take every fibre of my being-
make a net to catch you.
unravel doubtful webs
into simple lines.
Infinite reoccurring dream sequence.
I am walking down an endless hallway,
one where you’re lurking behind every door,
where you’re always, just slightly, out of reach.
The spider spins its silk, the bamboo tips over.
Let it all flow back: let all the doors slam shut
and every step made backwards in time.
been a while since I wrote a triptych poem. Also, just got a domain name!(after such a long time. ) Will probably revisit and rewrite this some time in the future.